Sep 9th, 2026 1:03pm

I saw a friend repost a video with the title ' "It's all God's plan" Never let him plan again', with videos of just straight tradegdy arounf the world. I think it's understandable to feel that way. Especially when people who praise god when good things happen and blame man for when bad things happen. But with making the claim that everyone (actually be so fr you're only talking about christians) love and praise god to high heavens and shove they're religion down your throat, then should you not be curious as to why? Religion, for the better part of history and even up to the present has had the same purpose for your average walmart american. Someone who is just looking for a little bit of reassurance in this chaotic world will see christianity or the bible and it's teaches as reassurance to the life they are living. 'Well if I let go of my worries, hand them to ___ then everything will work out.' And this get's their mind off it. So then you get consistent sayings from your facebook grandmas in comments when bad things happening defending the god they put their trust in.

And I think about this a lot because I have had a very rough and patchy relationship with my faith since I was a little girl. Now that I am older, to me these kinds of videos don't offend me or offend my faith (because im not religious and i look down upon organized religion) but it targets people who have nothing to do with the hurt and hate that sources these comments. I look at God, as the father as he intended us to interpret, and think 'If I have a child right now, and they grow up... when they're an adult I have no say or command over what they do as an adult. But hope that my teachings and influence will make them be the better person I wanted them to be.' Thats what I imagine. So when bad things, or good things happen it could be a number of things. If you want to look at it spiritually. My faith started to become very unstable when my grandfather passed away. I thought 'Why would God take away such a kind and loving man, that I didn't get to spend much time with?' Do you hear how selfish that is? In the circle of life and all it involves, death is something that happens. It's not God's fault that my gradnfather died, it's the fault of a number of things. The doctors who botched his knee surgery, the first stroke he had, the fall that would lead to the second stroke, the last fall that would ultimately put him in the state he would remain in for 5 or more years till he passed. Sure I can blame God for the doctor that started it all, but then I would be damning creation. And not all of creation is bad.

I guess everything is God's fault. If this is the case.

I don't feel offended for my friend reposting it, I don't really care about it but it's the video itself for exisiting. I just see this as a dumb stance to have, to be mad at God for people praising him when good things happen and when bad things happen it's mans fault. It is mans fault. It's corrupted men who are greedy and don't care about the people they hurt in the process of inacting violent and unnecessary acts.

I don't know anymore. I hate the internet.

Aug 20th, 2026 9:39pm

Okay. This is going to sound very heartless. There has been this woman on tik tok recently who went a few weeks past her due date. For the seasons that she wanted to have a natural birth with zero medical attention. Me personally, I don't think my anxiety could handle something like that especially because I do not know my body well enough. She claims she knows her body very well, and that she is even listening to her body so on and so on. I don't know for how long people had been keeping an eye on her, but I got dropped in a week before she did finally give birth. All the comments, every comment, right up until she did finally give birth consisted of people claiming she was incredibly negligent for doing this, and she is likely going to die or give birth to a still born child. Many medical professionals who were gynos or nurses in the maternity ward of a hospital were fuming. A lot of people commented and posted their opinion and with reasonable reason. I can't say I blame these people entirely for giving some form of compassion to this woman and explaining their concerns. However, the lady explained on multiple occasions that this isn't her first time doing this. To me, that leads me to believe that she is very much aware of the complications that would arise should something be actually wrong. At the end of all of this it boils down to something I keep thinking to myself. A lot of focus gets put on women and their bodies. A lot of focus. And part of a feminist movement has tried to curb that focus to be more of the female's choice. But yet even with that there is ridiculus amount of discourse. I believe as someone who is pro-choice. That if she CHOOSES to do something this risky, and has done it before, she has agreed to the implications that is child birth. Meaning, she was ready to accept any fate that was going to come her way and / or she would handle it accordingly. I would like to believe that if she truly felt like something was wrong with her baby or herself she would seek medical attention. But even if she didn't. Who am I to bestoe any kind of opinion onto her? Or judgement for that matter. Me, who has never given birth or even been pregnant, why would I have any authority to tell this lady what she needed / couldn't do?

Comments did this very thing. Actually worse, there was a small percentage of people that claimed this is reason to call CPS and have her child removed from her care, or to have her thrown in prison for child endangerment. The woman herself would ride the excuse that women have been giving birth and having babies since the dawn of time, and the overwhelming argument was that 50% of women have also been dying from child birth since the dan of time. Both of these are partially true, I don't believe its 50% but it's definitley up there otherwise not a lot of us would be here today. But so fucking what if she wants to do that? (This is for the hurtful part comes) So what if she willingly CHOSE to do something that is deemed dangerous in modern medical terms, and die. That is something she should / probably did know whilst going through this. What makes this worse is now even though she and baby made it out okay from this birth people are STILL flaming her. Flaming her for being okay with possibly dying or the things she is eating / doing now that she is in post- partum. It never fucking ends. I feel bad for her.

Aug 19th, 2026 2:29pm

After and even during the phone call I had with my momn yesterday, things fell into perspective for me. And I am not very happy about that. As someone who really loves her family and was grateful to have had the oppurtunities that is to know my family outside the immediate circle of just my mom and dad, I have started to grow up with a different mindset. When I was little, something that was always my favorite was when my aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc, would all come over to my house for whatever reason and just hang out. it used to be a lot more common when I was younger and lived in the first house I was growing up in. But now, in my early adulthood, that is becoming rare and almost something that actually just doesn't happen. Especially since now I live in my own house. This topic however though is about the life that is still going on even though I'm not there anymore. My family does get together more now that covid is somewhat over and that certain family members have all moved back to our hometown. However, every time they get together there is always this implosion among everyone. For whatever reason. In the last five years I would say it's becoming more common than how many times we get together and dont crash out on each other. Of course it's the usual suspects, the same people. So the correlation is those specific people are the problems but. I don't know. Part of me used to let that roll off my back like water and reset until the next time we came around. As a child your sense of time isn't the same as when you're an adult. And I am an adult now. In the last couple months since I have last seen my family in person I think those implosions have occured way more than people expected, so to me that leaves a very weird taste in my mouth. If this is happening when I am not there, then what is going to happen when I am there?

If I was in that emotional cycle that is 'I am upset so I will take it out on those around me instead of using my loving and reliable family to vent and lean on', then I might not care as much as I do right now. i can't bring myself to find a reason around that. Getting around that very big annoying factor of what it means to be home for the holidays. So. I almost don't want to. And then, what for? My aunts and uncles have become very busy with their own lives, and rightfully so, but they haven't actually reached out to me anymore. I think very few people also wished me happy birthday. And before (because I am the eldest grandchild of the edlest siblings on both sides) my birthday was never forgotten? I am not saying I do not care about these people anymore because they forgot my birthday a few times but, what reason do they give me to WANT to come home and deal with all of that nonsense? "But family is family and we forgive each other!" I am getting tired of having to forgive you for the same mistakes you keep CHOOSING to make. At the end of the day we are both adults now who have choices, and you keep choosing to disrespect me. So what else am I supposed to choose?

What makes it worse is, no one actually moves on from these crashouts. Or talks about them? Actually we dont really talk about anything and that has always bothered me. I noticed this more when my grandfather passed away, we didn't stop talking about him as a whole but rather the grief that surrounded his name. Because it made some people too upset to vocalize. How is that my problem? Am I stupid and naive for thinking "Family is family" means everything it actually entails? Am I stupid for thinking "Oh i am grieving someone very important, let's talk about it with those sharing the same sentiments? It's not my fault I am better at expressing my emotions than you. This actually bothers me a lot and so much so that I spend too much time trying to figure out ways around it. Because I like to think I am becoming a person who has grown up enough to utilize my ability to put thoughts together to express how I am feeling and what my mindset is at. So in turn you can take that information and handle it accordingly, perferably with respect and some care as I would try to do the same. My whole family feels stuck. Stuck in a time before covid and right about the time of my grandpa's passing. Actually maybe before that. Maybe they are stuck about the time my great-grandma got sick and passed. That's when it felt like this tower my family built together was toppling over. No one has gotten back up as tall since.

This makes me feel like they are weighing me down. I know how to swim, so swim with me to the surface otherwise I am going to cut this rope and let you sink. You know? I don't actually want to do that. I want to fight and work through an dfigure out how I can bring them to the surface and stand up tall again. Because when it's all said and done I do truly love and care for my family and I would do anything they needed. So why can't they do this for me and the younger generations and grow the fuck up? And actually grow up. I get things are hard, I am not saying they cant ever vent and express how tough times are right now. But it feels like thats the only topic they revolve around. Anything outsdie of that or that doesn't pertain to that topic, they don't pay much mind. It's almost like they enjoy the company that is misery and melancholic. Bitch I am trying to be happy here and manifest happier and better times and you're fucking stuck on what look the waitress gave you at Cracker Barrel. I don't know. I wish my fingers could snap and this issue would be fixed.

Aug 11th, 20263:54pm

I don't know what happened to me. I think maybe this has all been trying to come to a head and now it's finally here. I don't know what it means. There is no amount of creativity in my body right now. All I want to do is go back to bed and lay down and sleep. I am so tired of nothing. I miss having a reason to be tired. The feeling when you get into bed after such a long day and feel like it's almost a reward to be there. I don't even know how to express myself right now. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to cut my hair. I want to fall off the face of the earth since past embarassing and digusting memories keep haunting me lately. I can't fall asleep without thinking of the stupid shit I have done or said. It's probably why my family doesn't like to talk to me. They think me embarassing too. I am getting in my own way here. I don't even know what I would do. So many sentences that start with "I". Maybe it's because I am stuck in the house all the time. I don't know. I want to just not be here anymore I don't want this overhwelming feeling to be veiled on me anymore.

August 6th, 2026, 4:10am

I am going through another creative block. Life right now is kinda getting tense, not anything to be worried about but its just thing after thing. I feel like i would rather spend my time for something else than do what i am doing. But i want to create. The thing that stops me is that I have other stuff that needs to come before it and by the time i am done with those responsibilities theres no energy left in me let alone time. Since I started staying home I don't know how to make my brain operate like this is still a job I need to do. I practically wasted today because my mind has felt so lost and trying to have one coherent thought has been made impossibile. I know it is beacause I spend too much time in my head circling around the same embarassing thoughts like it's prey. And what for. I highly doubt those involved give me the time of day out of their own mind. Any one in my position would be taking and using their time a whole lot better than I am now. Time to get into the hobbies they always said they wanted, or to read that book. Am i mistunderstanding it? Why does life make you feel like doing the things you geniuenly want to do is a waste of time and not as meaningful as a 9-5?

This is an unexplainable feeling I go through every day and I don't know who out there copuld explain it to me besides God maybe. It's like my curious mind looked behind a curtain and realized its a sham. I saw the big picture and thought what for. I don't know how to get out of my head besides occupying my time and my hands with something I am crafting. I miss polishing rocks, welding whatever I wanted, drawing up ideas, and idk. Moving. I miss having a reason to move and get up and sweat and push my body to extremes for as small as I am. I am having fun trying to decorate my office and the new house I am living in, it just sucks when it gets to the point of pushing on the budget and having to step back for a little bit to let the pot refill again.

This month I have been wanting to start learning again. Excercising my brain to learn something new and maybe even brush up on older stuff like math. I am so damn terrible at math.

My moods have been fluctuating and lately I have been very deep in thought if you coudln't tell. I feel like I can almost solve and figureou the worlds problems in less that 5 mins. But to explain them to you wouldnt make any sense. It goes like this "old fan, simple, durable, easy to repair, last long time, but chop fingers" > "new fan. plastic. no repair. blow up. but no figures get caught and chopped. complicated. > world have too many complicated. many safety nets for idiots. no reason to think about consequence. old fan make you think consequences. new fan do nothing. new fan have zero freedom for repair. repair necessary." And then I arrive at the ultimate conclusion that will never work because the world doesn't work like that. Someone said in the comments of the video that prompted me to come up with that "Once you make a world that protects idiots, that's all you'll have." I feel like that's the world I am living right now. I can understand that accidents happen and if your product leads to too many deaths it's not really a good look on your business but. Some things are obivous.

I desperatly need to go fishing this weekend.

July 30th, 2026, 1:23pm

I don't mean what I said in May. There's a lot I am happy for. This life is a rollercoaster and I can't believe I am saying that because I am only 22 years old. I feel older. Like I have been here longer. Anyways. I want to get a vpn. I want to self host. I want to create my own computer and be able to be tech savvy in the way of refurbishing and fixing. Technology is intimidating, especially with the idea behind it that if you did it wrong or put the wrong amount of preasure it's fucked and you've lost a lot of money in the process.

I have recently found a program called Notion, that I happen to really like, helps me stay focused. Its a very niche feeling, I don't know what to call it other than a fixation.

My mind is all over the place.

I love creating, designing, coming up with specific arts. I am not super artistically inclined but I love doing web desgin or graphic design, I really love creating through canva, gimp, etc. Collaging it another.

May 13th, 2026, 2:51pm

I feel lost as of late. There is a creative spark that is brewing inside me yet nothing i manage to do every releases it. I feel like I keep looking for satisfaction with the intention of having it, and never finding anything. Nothing is satifying any of my carvings and urges, creatively speaking. It's been a while since I have made an enerty here and each time I have felt like it, it usually disappears due to the fact that I have nothing important enough I want to say. Which is ridiculus.

January 15, 2026 10:22am

Currently watching a youtube video about making a lamp from scratch. said video. This has been the coziest video I have ever seen in my life. I've seen a lot but never have grasped my attention the way that this has and it's just wow. I think it's because it's weirdly giving me that turn in my stomach, telling me that I can do this too. Reiterating the point and belief that I stand by. "the opposite of depression is not necessarily happiness, but expression". Granted, I am sitting here on my couch with another cup of coffee, haven't brushed my teeth yet, house a mess with moving boxes, and still in pjs. But yet, it's almost magical how this video is affecting me right now. I'm watching it as I work on another couple projects I have for this site. In stationery station I want to put either another page or even a sub - box of the crafts that I do and how I do them. I am not sure how I am going to show you how I do this stuff because I always get lost in the moment of actually creating said craft, rather than documenting it. Maybe a link to my youtube channel would be better, to show you instead of telling you.

☘︎ January 8th, 2026 2:56pm☘︎

A new year starts. I used to really hate a new year. It felt like by the time I got the hang of the last one, it changes over. To me it felt odd that a new year would start in the dead of winter, when nothing is growing, the sun barely shines, and people are struggling by this time of the year. I guess the only reason there is a feeling of true new beginning of this new year is because I'm moving. I'm moving, I am entering my second year of marriage, my birthday is at the beginning parts of the year, and a few other things. January of this year is almost a perfect breeding ground for new new new. I would be a fool if I went and stayed the same person I have been for the last three years. Sure, I have grown. I have overcome a lot of emotional obstacles, I have learned to forgive a few people, and accept people who won't change. It hasn't been easy, but it's something. For this year I want to up it a notch.

Lately I haven't been able to actually enjoy foods like Mcdonalds or any fast food chain the way I used to. My body really rejects this processed stuff. And I know what you're going to say, 'But everything has to be processed', yes I understand that. What I am specifically talking about is food that doesn't come from an animal or the ground or a tree right off the bat. It's all according to plan.

It looks like this, new place, new habits, new and fresh healthy. Renewal.

So many conflicting feelings run all over me. I miss my family, yet I was ready to go home home by Christmas. The day I left I had tears in my eyes yet this relief feeling in my gut. I wanted to get back to my routine of the life I was building before I came back home. There was yearning to be back in a kitchen with stuff that was my own and I didn't have to worry about people watching me all the time. I am eager to go home. I feel the need to learn the true meaning of those feelings but I will just add it to the list. The last three weeks of December were a trick for me. I had started smoking again three months ago and I promised to stop once the new year came around, but you know what happens. You drop one addiction just to pick up another one. So that risked my whole process of what I wanted to be in the new year. Who am I if I sub one addiction for another? It means I have to grow some disciplined balls. From my hometown to where I live now is a three day drive. In that long of a drive I'm at all kinds of gas stations that sell energy drinks. Even now as I type this I want another redbull even though the first one I had made me take a nap afterwards.

☘︎ November 30th, 2025 5:14pm☘︎

I am not sure which direction to take this website. Most times I get close enough to come up with fully flushed ideas, but never put them into action. I have been busy as of late so I think my whole heart hasn't been entirely in it. I have gone through a change, hence why I changed my homepage and some other pages. I don't see it as 'Oh I am someone different than who I was when I made the homepage'. It's more of just getting better at coding itself. Nothing too personal. But I know there could be something more, like more juice and more energy put into the content I am pushing out.

I wrestle a lot with the same thoughts. Lately since I have been home it's becoming crystal clear the kind of mental spaces my family is in. By no means do I want to rub in their face that I know better than them, it's only because I feel like I have seen some sort of light and it's made my life significantly better. I only want the same for my family memebers. It feels like some emotional test. You may be wondering what it is I am talking about, it has nothing to do with religion. It's about breaking mental toxicity. For as long as I could remember, behvaiors have been made normal throughout my life and between the relationships of my family memebers. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. The problem lies with the fact that no one speaks on this, no one likes these behaviors either yet refuse to actually bring them up and work through them. The confrontation is too much. I think it's because it's a new thing, and like most people, new things are scary and uncertain. Okay understandable. It was scary for me too when my husband would bring this to my own attention, the idea of making change. Like Michael Jackson. My reasoning a lot of the time, for my speaking out, is because if I have a problem I should fix it and fix it accordingly. Sometimes people hurt my feelings and I take the understanding that they didn't know that, how could know that. So you bring it to their attention, if this is someone you love and respect in some shape or form you'd think this is a harmless thing. I by no means want to start any kind of drama or fighting, it's just working through how we can make our relationship better. It's never going to be comfortable and definitley not easy. But especially if this is family, talking about uncomfortable and not so easy things shouldn't be so taboo or even not allowed. These are people who are supposed to have my support and vice versa, and people (if there was ever anyone else in this world) I should be comfortable to come to with any issues I have, right?

A lot of them seem on board with this idea, that I must come to them if I should ever go through trials and need to vent. Okay, so then how is me saying I have a problem with you any different? 'Oh well because I went through the same thing in my life with other family memebers and I did just fine.' No auntie, you didn't. You're unnecessarily agressive. There's resentment and un-dealt with feelings with people that have plagued your life and your behvaior shows it. Get the picture? This to me feels like I am being put through a test, and I am put between a hard place. I can either fight on, push through and hope that my efforts will ring true and have this healthy outcome that I am hoping for. Or, I leave well enough alone and distance myself between these toxic people. I say toxic because of how I mentioned these behaviors are brushed aside and while it bothers everyone else (not just me) no one feels like taking on the confrontational roll to do anything about it. Hence toxic, everyone exucses mean and almost rude behavior for the sake of (and I hate that my mom says this) "keeping the peace". It's not keeping peace, it's avoiding the problem and letting resentment build inside towards each other.

I am purely speaking through experience. I used to be this person towards my husband before we got married and he went through similar experiences through his own family. It only makes sense to do better than what you grew up with. Which is why I can't understand why Auntie says this is all she grew up with and can't seem to change. When I know she didn't like it anymore than I did / am, and what is opposite of something you don't like, something you do like / prefer. So why not do opposite? I don't think I am all knowing and all that is right in life, but I do think my stance is correct, it's healthy and almost harmless. Talking through problems hasn't failed me, it's bettered me. Why would I want to gatekeep that?

✤ October 16th, 2025 7:46pm✤

There is this nagging feeling that has been weighing on me. This creative surge that I can feel is just building up. But I don't know what to do. A lot of my pages on here need some work or some touch ups but I don't know where to start. My fingers are just itching to type away at here while I word vomit some writing drabble, little scenes I have been thinking about. My honest opinion, okay, is I think you become a wonderful writer if you constantly read. Your eyes are always looking and comphrending new ways to interpret text or feeling. Whereas if you doomscroll all day, all of those creative juices get wasted. Its like fast food for the brain and yet it's exhausting. It's grossly addicting. It is taking it's toll on my grammar, the way I think, and how I form sentences. I suddenly have forgotten about a lot of synonyms and just wipe out all those hours I used to spend looking up such words.

I remember recently there was a conversation I was having about what I thought the true meaning was behind the movie "Heretic". I have so much to say about that movie idk why. And yet I didn't feel like I was really getting my feelings across because I couldn't think of a few words that would really make it make sense. To me I thought I sounded like an idiot.

✤ October 4th, 2025 7:20pm✤

The transition has been completed. I am back in my home town for a few months. It feels really weird because I have slipped out of this routine of life that now only consists of my siblings and parents, so I don't know where I really fit in the dynamic of everything. So I am somewhat struggling with that. The best I can do is feed everyone and keep the hosue clean, basically what I was doing before.

I took up smoking again. I wish I picked cigarettes because this vape is really nasty actually. I slightly regret my decision but I do enjoy smoking nonetheless. Two weeks in and I still havent figured out what I am going to do. I know there are things that must happen, like renewing my license since I am here in my home state. But what else? I know my car needs copious amounts of work. It's almost to the point where I would be spending the same amount of money of a new car, to buy parts. However, I don't want to fall into old habits (even though I already started). My family makes it seem like certain bad habits are okay, and that cycle just repeats long enough for them to turn into unhealthy habits.

I really want to weld, for my own sake. But I want to make something actually funictional for my life, just to gain more practice. It's also bothering me that I start every sentence in here with "I".

As of late, I have been slipping further and further into this schizophrenic state. That is very dramatic I know but I say that because there are certain reoccuring topics / animals / or things that pop up more than just once in one day. And you can argue well, Saddy, maybe you're just noticing what you want to notice. Or simply the animals that reappear are native to yoru area. It very well could be, but I think I mean in the sense of I see (blank) everywhere. At the store, on my phone, on someone elses phone, etc. It is quite literally everywhere. Todays reoccuring idea was just a reinforcement that I need to do everything on my own. I shouldn't hire someone out, I shouldn't buy it at the store, etc. If I wanted orange juice, I should squeeze it myself. For multiple reasons, it could be good for me in ways that is healthy, it promotes knowlegde growth, or cheaper. Whatever it is, it usually checks those three boxes.

✤ September 9, 2025 1:58pm✤

A rant.

At my truest roots, I know that I hate consumerism. I hate social media. I have spouts of feelings that whisper to me saying, I don't need it, it seerves me no purpose. Something higher than me says that I do not need this piece of junk where all jealousy and hate reside. It's true isn't it? People faking their lives on social media because it looks better and makes them feel better because you will never see them in person to know the difference. Comparison is the biggest killer of creativity, but how do I know I am being creative if I don't show it everywhere to the world? But then with the same blade a part of me yearns for that, that kind of solace of knowing no one else knows what I am doing. If I just go offline. Stop participating.

I think it mostly comes from the feeling of wanting relatability, or connection. To know I am not the only one out there. I have no issues talking with people or making conversation with strangers, but I don't really want to. I like the small little bits of time I go out in public and just talk with random people, but that doesn't make me want them as a friend. Does that make sense? Friends, boyfriends, any relationshop of any kind is real work. I have friendships and relationships and those are just fine for me. And on the internet I can get that. I think back to history, before the internet, before this wide spread of world wide accesibility, and people kind of just talked to each other. That was great. I sat in a class today and so many of the speakers and teachers seemed like they were grasping at the people sitting in front of them to respond in some sort of way to their presentation. I felt bad.

How am I supposed to keep up with everything if I throw it all in the trash right now?

✤ September 4, 2025 1:34pm✤

Since I got the news of where my husband and I will be living next, it's made me have this type of... survivors guilt. My family for the longest time has wanted to go to New York, aunts who actually wanted to live in New York. The same aunt who is trapped in her marriage, trapped in the same hometown she met her spouse. Having to tell her I was about to live her dream with a better man made me feel so undeserving. I am getting out.

I just got off the phone with my grandma, I just told her the news because I couldn't hold it in any longer. The feedback was nice, I truly think my family is happy for me and wants me to see this brighter side of the situation. I just can't help but feel guilty that I am actually out here living a great life. And I'm happy without them. Growing up in this incredibly tight knit family where I knew my uncles and aunts and cousins, and saw them on a regular basis has set in this interesting tone in my life. I almost feel as though I can't have a happy moment or expierence something greater than usual, without them. And if I do, I feel guilty for it. But then again I took everything too literally as a kid.

My frontal lobe must truly be forming because I am noticing things that I didn't before. A lot of my childhood I am seeing in a different light, even then I knew it wasn't super perfect and sweet but even now as I get older theres a lot I find wrong. I told my mom this on the weekly phone call I had with her yesterday. That when I come home I will have a hard time holding back my tongue. Too many behaviors have been made normal out of the sake of "keeping peace". She herself talks a lot about the things that bother her from her family. How can I, someone who values morals and respectable princables, let this just keep sliding? I don't know how she can tell me all these problems and be okay not to fix them. It's almost like she just likes to complain about them, but never do anything about it. I am not like that.

I feel like this month is already over. I will be going home soon and this first week has passed so quickly, next week is the last full week I will be here. So.

✤ August 28, 2025 11:13 am

I have so much inside me lately. Not unresolved traumas, but I guess it's passion or energy. I have a lot of something, I want to pour it out into any and all. I want to pour it into my cooking, my learning, my website, my decorated letters to friends. The down side of this is I want it reciprocated. I know in my mind it's nearly impossible for something like that to happen in exactly the way I want it to. But my heart and soul can't seem to let it go, or to move on about it. The situation arises in different ways, it's dishes that I expect to be hits with my husband 100% of the time when it turns out to be decent enough at best. Or it's a maniac state of concentration for my website that means so much to me, but doesn't have the same feelings to someone else. These things are fine, I am by no means trying to bring up a problem. I just can't help my feelings. I do honestly expect 100 or nothing, I don't know how to fix that.

At the end of September I will be going home for my yearly visit. Pray for me.

I am this weird hopeless romantic who almost fantasizes everything? No, actually a better explaination is I just love everything with all of my heart. I don't consider this feeling to be that of "wearing my heart on my sleeve", but I guess more empathetic leaning. I love my little house here with my husband, I love the little meals I make for the two of us, I enjoy plating them so beautifully too, and I enjoy all of these wonderful mundane tasks. But I think I spend too much time on tik tok and I let strangers make me feel bad for how my life is going. I know the trick is to not pay them any attention, but since I have been here in this apartment I have had a lot of time to think and it's starting to hurt my head.

I am going to stop now before I go in circles.

✤ July, 24, 2025 5:58pm ✤

Listening - Big Iron, Colter Wall

The hubs is having a long day at work so, I got inspired for more ideas today. I kinda fixed what used to be Silver's Gate now turned just into Novels, because I felt like it was a bit overwhelming and conformed to just one idea. When it was just supposed to be a piece of space that allowed me to let a different aesthetic that I liked, flow free.

For me to call it Silver's Gate, was just stamping it into something else so when I tried to add like fan fic it kind of looked weird. Idk. But I like it more this way. Today has felt kinda like Friday, I like need a beer or something when I am having a day like this. It kind of sucks that I don't have a car to just go out and accomplish whatever I feel like. This is the only weird feeling I have about being a stay at home wife, is the lack of a car. I know it's temporary, and I will be homee with my car. But it was like dang. I left with the man of my dreams just to be stuck BACK inside again.

Hubs is like "whats wrong with going to places together?" I don't think it's something he understands. I do like going to places with him and experiencing like the stores/places we go to together. But also like, sometimes I need a snack and I don't wanna wait to have to ask "hey can we go ___" like. If I want to do something I want to be able to just GO and DO IT when I feel like it. This by no means is his fault, it's like the fault that my car got left behind because it needs a lot of work to travel cross country like that. So.

Again it's temproray so I don't care that much about it. I am hoping I can drink later since he's off tomorrow.

✤ July 22, 2025 10:05pm ✤

Listening - IZ-US, Aphex Twin

I believe this page is ready for upload. I kinda want this to be a place not to specifically rant and vent but to share my thoughts about what I where I want this site to go, and this page as well. So here's what else I have been up to. My penpal responded to me! And I got their letter yesterday so my next plan is to document what I will include in her letter. I don't know if she's going to see this but I am so eager to respond back so quick because I have a new recipe to share with her, and two new washi tapes and a few memo pads I got from JetsPens. But I have another order coming it's just gonna be a while o.O

I may have an addiction, but this is like a heathly. I try not to go to crazy with like throwing money at horrible products. I do like the occasional sticker pack from Allie Express or something but I LOVE jetspens even more than that. But honestly stationery in general is just my favorite thing. I love cute memo pads, cute pieces of paper, stickers, and washi tape! That is really why I got into penpaling because I was collecting so much that I was kinda hoarding it if anything. But penpaling gives me a wonderful excuse to like share my stuff and actually put my products into use instead of just letting them sit there. Theres only so much journaling and like cute journaling I can do.

I do a lot of junk journaling but, usually for special memories that I have and experience with my significant other. I don't know what else to journal about sometimes that is cutesy. I do really like to write in my commponplace with certain exercises, like one was a moral's grocery list. So you right down your morals and principles like a grocery list, and I really enjoyed that. But yeah. I haven't done a whole lot. I have gotten better at turning my kitchen into a well functioning kitchen, at least for me anyways. I don't know what I am going to do when I go back home to my family's unorganized / choatic kitchen.

I think I am done yapping for now I must go to sleep, till next time! ₍^. .^₎Ⳋ