✤ September 4, 2025 1:34pm✤

Since I got the news of where my husband and I will be living next, it's made me have this type of... survivors guilt. My family for the longest time has wanted to go to New York, aunts who actually wanted to live in New York. The same aunt who is trapped in her marriage, trapped in the same hometown she met her spouse. Having to tell her I was about to live her dream with a better man made me feel so undeserving. I am getting out.

I just got off the phone with my grandma, I just told her the news because I couldn't hold it in any longer. The feedback was nice, I truly think my family is happy for me and wants me to see this brighter side of the situation. I just can't help but feel guilty that I am actually out here living a great life. And I'm happy without them. Growing up in this incredibly tight knit family where I knew my uncles and aunts and cousins, and saw them on a regular basis has set in this interesting tone in my life. I almost feel as though I can't have a happy moment or expierence something greater than usual, without them. And if I do, I feel guilty for it. But then again I took everything too literally as a kid.

My frontal lobe must truly be forming because I am noticing things that I didn't before. A lot of my childhood I am seeing in a different light, even then I knew it wasn't super perfect and sweet but even now as I get older theres a lot I find wrong. I told my mom this on the weekly phone call I had with her yesterday. That when I come home I will have a hard time holding back my tongue. Too many behaviors have been made normal out of the sake of "keeping peace". She herself talks a lot about the things that bother her from her family. How can I, someone who values morals and respectable princables, let this just keep sliding? I don't know how she can tell me all these problems and be okay not to fix them. It's almost like she just likes to complain about them, but never do anything about it. I am not like that.

✤ August 28, 2025 11:13 am

I have so much inside me lately. Not unresolved traumas, but I guess it's passion or energy. I have a lot of something, I want to pour it out into any and all. I want to pour it into my cooking, my learning, my website, my decorated letters to friends. The down side of this is I want it reciprocated. I know in my mind it's nearly impossible for something like that to happen in exactly the way I want it to. But my heart and soul can't seem to let it go, or to move on about it. The situation arises in different ways, it's dishes that I expect to be hits with my husband 100% of the time when it turns out to be decent enough at best. Or it's a maniac state of concentration for my website that means so much to me, but doesn't have the same feelings to someone else. These things are fine, I am by no means trying to bring up a problem. I just can't help my feelings. I do honestly expect 100 or nothing, I don't know how to fix that.

At the end of September I will be going home for my yearly visit. Pray for me.

I am this weird hopeless romantic who almost fantasizes everything? No, actually a better explaination is I just love everything with all of my heart. I don't consider this feeling to be that of "wearing my heart on my sleeve", but I guess more empathetic leaning. I love my little house here with my husband, I love the little meals I make for the two of us, I enjoy plating them so beautifully too, and I enjoy all of these wonderful mundane tasks. But I think I spend too much time on tik tok and I let strangers make me feel bad for how my life is going. I know the trick is to not pay them any attention, but since I have been here in this apartment I have had a lot of time to think and it's starting to hurt my head.

I am going to stop now before I go in circles.

✤ July, 24, 2025 5:58pm ✤

Listening - Big Iron, Colter Wall

The hubs is having a long day at work so, I got inspired for more ideas today. I kinda fixed what used to be Silver's Gate now turned just into Novels, because I felt like it was a bit overwhelming and conformed to just one idea. When it was just supposed to be a piece of space that allowed me to let a different aesthetic that I liked, flow free.

For me to call it Silver's Gate, was just stamping it into something else so when I tried to add like fan fic it kind of looked weird. Idk. But I like it more this way. Today has felt kinda like Friday, I like need a beer or something when I am having a day like this. It kind of sucks that I don't have a car to just go out and accomplish whatever I feel like. This is the only weird feeling I have about being a stay at home wife, is the lack of a car. I know it's temporary, and I will be homee with my car. But it was like dang. I left with the man of my dreams just to be stuck BACK inside again.

Hubs is like "whats wrong with going to places together?" I don't think it's something he understands. I do like going to places with him and experiencing like the stores/places we go to together. But also like, sometimes I need a snack and I don't wanna wait to have to ask "hey can we go ___" like. If I want to do something I want to be able to just GO and DO IT when I feel like it. This by no means is his fault, it's like the fault that my car got left behind because it needs a lot of work to travel cross country like that. So.

Again it's temproray so I don't care that much about it. I am hoping I can drink later since he's off tomorrow.

✤ July 22, 2025 10:05pm ✤

Listening - IZ-US, Aphex Twin

I believe this page is ready for upload. I kinda want this to be a place not to specifically rant and vent but to share my thoughts about what I where I want this site to go, and this page as well. So here's what else I have been up to. My penpal responded to me! And I got their letter yesterday so my next plan is to document what I will include in her letter. I don't know if she's going to see this but I am so eager to respond back so quick because I have a new recipe to share with her, and two new washi tapes and a few memo pads I got from JetsPens. But I have another order coming it's just gonna be a while o.O

I may have an addiction, but this is like a heathly. I try not to go to crazy with like throwing money at horrible products. I do like the occasional sticker pack from Allie Express or something but I LOVE jetspens even more than that. But honestly stationery in general is just my favorite thing. I love cute memo pads, cute pieces of paper, stickers, and washi tape! That is really why I got into penpaling because I was collecting so much that I was kinda hoarding it if anything. But penpaling gives me a wonderful excuse to like share my stuff and actually put my products into use instead of just letting them sit there. Theres only so much journaling and like cute journaling I can do.

I do a lot of junk journaling but, usually for special memories that I have and experience with my significant other. I don't know what else to journal about sometimes that is cutesy. I do really like to write in my commponplace with certain exercises, like one was a moral's grocery list. So you right down your morals and principles like a grocery list, and I really enjoyed that. But yeah. I haven't done a whole lot. I have gotten better at turning my kitchen into a well functioning kitchen, at least for me anyways. I don't know what I am going to do when I go back home to my family's unorganized / choatic kitchen.

I think I am done yapping for now I must go to sleep, till next time! ₍^. .^₎Ⳋ