☘︎ January 8th, 2026 2:56pm☘︎

A new year starts. I used to really hate a new year. It felt like by the time I got the hang of the last one, it changes over. To me it felt odd that a new year would start in the dead of winter, when nothing is growing, the sun barely shines, and people are struggling by this time of the year. I guess the only reason there is a feeling of true new beginning of this new year is because I'm moving. I'm moving, I am entering my second year of marriage, my birthday is at the beginning parts of the year, and a few other things. January of this year is almost a perfect breeding ground for new new new. I would be a fool if I went and stayed the same person I have been for the last three years. Sure, I have grown. I have overcome a lot of emotional obstacles, I have learned to forgive a few people, and accept people who won't change. It hasn't been easy, but it's something. For this year I want to up it a notch.

Lately I haven't been able to actually enjoy foods like Mcdonalds or any fast food chain the way I used to. My body really rejects this processed stuff. And I know what you're going to say, 'But everything has to be processed', yes I understand that. What I am specifically talking about is food that doesn't come from an animal or the ground or a tree right off the bat. It's all according to plan.

It looks like this, new place, new habits, new and fresh healthy. Renewal.

So many conflicting feelings run all over me. I miss my family, yet I was ready to go home home by Christmas. The day I left I had tears in my eyes yet this relief feeling in my gut. I wanted to get back to my routine of the life I was building before I came back home. There was yearning to be back in a kitchen with stuff that was my own and I didn't have to worry about people watching me all the time. I am eager to go home. I feel the need to learn the true meaning of those feelings but I will just add it to the list. The last three weeks of December were a trick for me. I had started smoking again three months ago and I promised to stop once the new year came around, but you know what happens. You drop one addiction just to pick up another one. So that risked my whole process of what I wanted to be in the new year. Who am I if I sub one addiction for another? It means I have to grow some disciplined balls. From my hometown to where I live now is a three day drive. In that long of a drive I'm at all kinds of gas stations that sell energy drinks. Even now as I type this I want another redbull even though the first one I had made me take a nap afterwards.

☘︎ November 30th, 2025 5:14pm☘︎

I am not sure which direction to take this website. Most times I get close enough to come up with fully flushed ideas, but never put them into action. I have been busy as of late so I think my whole heart hasn't been entirely in it. I have gone through a change, hence why I changed my homepage and some other pages. I don't see it as 'Oh I am someone different than who I was when I made the homepage'. It's more of just getting better at coding itself. Nothing too personal. But I know there could be something more, like more juice and more energy put into the content I am pushing out.

I wrestle a lot with the same thoughts. Lately since I have been home it's becoming crystal clear the kind of mental spaces my family is in. By no means do I want to rub in their face that I know better than them, it's only because I feel like I have seen some sort of light and it's made my life significantly better. I only want the same for my family memebers. It feels like some emotional test. You may be wondering what it is I am talking about, it has nothing to do with religion. It's about breaking mental toxicity. For as long as I could remember, behvaiors have been made normal throughout my life and between the relationships of my family memebers. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. The problem lies with the fact that no one speaks on this, no one likes these behaviors either yet refuse to actually bring them up and work through them. The confrontation is too much. I think it's because it's a new thing, and like most people, new things are scary and uncertain. Okay understandable. It was scary for me too when my husband would bring this to my own attention, the idea of making change. Like Michael Jackson. My reasoning a lot of the time, for my speaking out, is because if I have a problem I should fix it and fix it accordingly. Sometimes people hurt my feelings and I take the understanding that they didn't know that, how could know that. So you bring it to their attention, if this is someone you love and respect in some shape or form you'd think this is a harmless thing. I by no means want to start any kind of drama or fighting, it's just working through how we can make our relationship better. It's never going to be comfortable and definitley not easy. But especially if this is family, talking about uncomfortable and not so easy things shouldn't be so taboo or even not allowed. These are people who are supposed to have my support and vice versa, and people (if there was ever anyone else in this world) I should be comfortable to come to with any issues I have, right?

A lot of them seem on board with this idea, that I must come to them if I should ever go through trials and need to vent. Okay, so then how is me saying I have a problem with you any different? 'Oh well because I went through the same thing in my life with other family memebers and I did just fine.' No auntie, you didn't. You're unnecessarily agressive. There's resentment and un-dealt with feelings with people that have plagued your life and your behvaior shows it. Get the picture? This to me feels like I am being put through a test, and I am put between a hard place. I can either fight on, push through and hope that my efforts will ring true and have this healthy outcome that I am hoping for. Or, I leave well enough alone and distance myself between these toxic people. I say toxic because of how I mentioned these behaviors are brushed aside and while it bothers everyone else (not just me) no one feels like taking on the confrontational roll to do anything about it. Hence toxic, everyone exucses mean and almost rude behavior for the sake of (and I hate that my mom says this) "keeping the peace". It's not keeping peace, it's avoiding the problem and letting resentment build inside towards each other.

I am purely speaking through experience. I used to be this person towards my husband before we got married and he went through similar experiences through his own family. It only makes sense to do better than what you grew up with. Which is why I can't understand why Auntie says this is all she grew up with and can't seem to change. When I know she didn't like it anymore than I did / am, and what is opposite of something you don't like, something you do like / prefer. So why not do opposite? I don't think I am all knowing and all that is right in life, but I do think my stance is correct, it's healthy and almost harmless. Talking through problems hasn't failed me, it's bettered me. Why would I want to gatekeep that?

✤ October 16th, 2025 7:46pm✤

There is this nagging feeling that has been weighing on me. This creative surge that I can feel is just building up. But I don't know what to do. A lot of my pages on here need some work or some touch ups but I don't know where to start. My fingers are just itching to type away at here while I word vomit some writing drabble, little scenes I have been thinking about. My honest opinion, okay, is I think you become a wonderful writer if you constantly read. Your eyes are always looking and comphrending new ways to interpret text or feeling. Whereas if you doomscroll all day, all of those creative juices get wasted. Its like fast food for the brain and yet it's exhausting. It's grossly addicting. It is taking it's toll on my grammar, the way I think, and how I form sentences. I suddenly have forgotten about a lot of synonyms and just wipe out all those hours I used to spend looking up such words.

I remember recently there was a conversation I was having about what I thought the true meaning was behind the movie "Heretic". I have so much to say about that movie idk why. And yet I didn't feel like I was really getting my feelings across because I couldn't think of a few words that would really make it make sense. To me I thought I sounded like an idiot.

✤ October 4th, 2025 7:20pm✤

The transition has been completed. I am back in my home town for a few months. It feels really weird because I have slipped out of this routine of life that now only consists of my siblings and parents, so I don't know where I really fit in the dynamic of everything. So I am somewhat struggling with that. The best I can do is feed everyone and keep the hosue clean, basically what I was doing before.

I took up smoking again. I wish I picked cigarettes because this vape is really nasty actually. I slightly regret my decision but I do enjoy smoking nonetheless. Two weeks in and I still havent figured out what I am going to do. I know there are things that must happen, like renewing my license since I am here in my home state. But what else? I know my car needs copious amounts of work. It's almost to the point where I would be spending the same amount of money of a new car, to buy parts. However, I don't want to fall into old habits (even though I already started). My family makes it seem like certain bad habits are okay, and that cycle just repeats long enough for them to turn into unhealthy habits.

I really want to weld, for my own sake. But I want to make something actually funictional for my life, just to gain more practice. It's also bothering me that I start every sentence in here with "I".

As of late, I have been slipping further and further into this schizophrenic state. That is very dramatic I know but I say that because there are certain reoccuring topics / animals / or things that pop up more than just once in one day. And you can argue well, Saddy, maybe you're just noticing what you want to notice. Or simply the animals that reappear are native to yoru area. It very well could be, but I think I mean in the sense of I see (blank) everywhere. At the store, on my phone, on someone elses phone, etc. It is quite literally everywhere. Todays reoccuring idea was just a reinforcement that I need to do everything on my own. I shouldn't hire someone out, I shouldn't buy it at the store, etc. If I wanted orange juice, I should squeeze it myself. For multiple reasons, it could be good for me in ways that is healthy, it promotes knowlegde growth, or cheaper. Whatever it is, it usually checks those three boxes.

✤ September 9, 2025 1:58pm✤

A rant.

At my truest roots, I know that I hate consumerism. I hate social media. I have spouts of feelings that whisper to me saying, I don't need it, it seerves me no purpose. Something higher than me says that I do not need this piece of junk where all jealousy and hate reside. It's true isn't it? People faking their lives on social media because it looks better and makes them feel better because you will never see them in person to know the difference. Comparison is the biggest killer of creativity, but how do I know I am being creative if I don't show it everywhere to the world? But then with the same blade a part of me yearns for that, that kind of solace of knowing no one else knows what I am doing. If I just go offline. Stop participating.

I think it mostly comes from the feeling of wanting relatability, or connection. To know I am not the only one out there. I have no issues talking with people or making conversation with strangers, but I don't really want to. I like the small little bits of time I go out in public and just talk with random people, but that doesn't make me want them as a friend. Does that make sense? Friends, boyfriends, any relationshop of any kind is real work. I have friendships and relationships and those are just fine for me. And on the internet I can get that. I think back to history, before the internet, before this wide spread of world wide accesibility, and people kind of just talked to each other. That was great. I sat in a class today and so many of the speakers and teachers seemed like they were grasping at the people sitting in front of them to respond in some sort of way to their presentation. I felt bad.

How am I supposed to keep up with everything if I throw it all in the trash right now?

✤ September 4, 2025 1:34pm✤

Since I got the news of where my husband and I will be living next, it's made me have this type of... survivors guilt. My family for the longest time has wanted to go to New York, aunts who actually wanted to live in New York. The same aunt who is trapped in her marriage, trapped in the same hometown she met her spouse. Having to tell her I was about to live her dream with a better man made me feel so undeserving. I am getting out.

I just got off the phone with my grandma, I just told her the news because I couldn't hold it in any longer. The feedback was nice, I truly think my family is happy for me and wants me to see this brighter side of the situation. I just can't help but feel guilty that I am actually out here living a great life. And I'm happy without them. Growing up in this incredibly tight knit family where I knew my uncles and aunts and cousins, and saw them on a regular basis has set in this interesting tone in my life. I almost feel as though I can't have a happy moment or expierence something greater than usual, without them. And if I do, I feel guilty for it. But then again I took everything too literally as a kid.

My frontal lobe must truly be forming because I am noticing things that I didn't before. A lot of my childhood I am seeing in a different light, even then I knew it wasn't super perfect and sweet but even now as I get older theres a lot I find wrong. I told my mom this on the weekly phone call I had with her yesterday. That when I come home I will have a hard time holding back my tongue. Too many behaviors have been made normal out of the sake of "keeping peace". She herself talks a lot about the things that bother her from her family. How can I, someone who values morals and respectable princables, let this just keep sliding? I don't know how she can tell me all these problems and be okay not to fix them. It's almost like she just likes to complain about them, but never do anything about it. I am not like that.

I feel like this month is already over. I will be going home soon and this first week has passed so quickly, next week is the last full week I will be here. So.

✤ August 28, 2025 11:13 am

I have so much inside me lately. Not unresolved traumas, but I guess it's passion or energy. I have a lot of something, I want to pour it out into any and all. I want to pour it into my cooking, my learning, my website, my decorated letters to friends. The down side of this is I want it reciprocated. I know in my mind it's nearly impossible for something like that to happen in exactly the way I want it to. But my heart and soul can't seem to let it go, or to move on about it. The situation arises in different ways, it's dishes that I expect to be hits with my husband 100% of the time when it turns out to be decent enough at best. Or it's a maniac state of concentration for my website that means so much to me, but doesn't have the same feelings to someone else. These things are fine, I am by no means trying to bring up a problem. I just can't help my feelings. I do honestly expect 100 or nothing, I don't know how to fix that.

At the end of September I will be going home for my yearly visit. Pray for me.

I am this weird hopeless romantic who almost fantasizes everything? No, actually a better explaination is I just love everything with all of my heart. I don't consider this feeling to be that of "wearing my heart on my sleeve", but I guess more empathetic leaning. I love my little house here with my husband, I love the little meals I make for the two of us, I enjoy plating them so beautifully too, and I enjoy all of these wonderful mundane tasks. But I think I spend too much time on tik tok and I let strangers make me feel bad for how my life is going. I know the trick is to not pay them any attention, but since I have been here in this apartment I have had a lot of time to think and it's starting to hurt my head.

I am going to stop now before I go in circles.

✤ July, 24, 2025 5:58pm ✤

Listening - Big Iron, Colter Wall

The hubs is having a long day at work so, I got inspired for more ideas today. I kinda fixed what used to be Silver's Gate now turned just into Novels, because I felt like it was a bit overwhelming and conformed to just one idea. When it was just supposed to be a piece of space that allowed me to let a different aesthetic that I liked, flow free.

For me to call it Silver's Gate, was just stamping it into something else so when I tried to add like fan fic it kind of looked weird. Idk. But I like it more this way. Today has felt kinda like Friday, I like need a beer or something when I am having a day like this. It kind of sucks that I don't have a car to just go out and accomplish whatever I feel like. This is the only weird feeling I have about being a stay at home wife, is the lack of a car. I know it's temporary, and I will be homee with my car. But it was like dang. I left with the man of my dreams just to be stuck BACK inside again.

Hubs is like "whats wrong with going to places together?" I don't think it's something he understands. I do like going to places with him and experiencing like the stores/places we go to together. But also like, sometimes I need a snack and I don't wanna wait to have to ask "hey can we go ___" like. If I want to do something I want to be able to just GO and DO IT when I feel like it. This by no means is his fault, it's like the fault that my car got left behind because it needs a lot of work to travel cross country like that. So.

Again it's temproray so I don't care that much about it. I am hoping I can drink later since he's off tomorrow.

✤ July 22, 2025 10:05pm ✤

Listening - IZ-US, Aphex Twin

I believe this page is ready for upload. I kinda want this to be a place not to specifically rant and vent but to share my thoughts about what I where I want this site to go, and this page as well. So here's what else I have been up to. My penpal responded to me! And I got their letter yesterday so my next plan is to document what I will include in her letter. I don't know if she's going to see this but I am so eager to respond back so quick because I have a new recipe to share with her, and two new washi tapes and a few memo pads I got from JetsPens. But I have another order coming it's just gonna be a while o.O

I may have an addiction, but this is like a heathly. I try not to go to crazy with like throwing money at horrible products. I do like the occasional sticker pack from Allie Express or something but I LOVE jetspens even more than that. But honestly stationery in general is just my favorite thing. I love cute memo pads, cute pieces of paper, stickers, and washi tape! That is really why I got into penpaling because I was collecting so much that I was kinda hoarding it if anything. But penpaling gives me a wonderful excuse to like share my stuff and actually put my products into use instead of just letting them sit there. Theres only so much journaling and like cute journaling I can do.

I do a lot of junk journaling but, usually for special memories that I have and experience with my significant other. I don't know what else to journal about sometimes that is cutesy. I do really like to write in my commponplace with certain exercises, like one was a moral's grocery list. So you right down your morals and principles like a grocery list, and I really enjoyed that. But yeah. I haven't done a whole lot. I have gotten better at turning my kitchen into a well functioning kitchen, at least for me anyways. I don't know what I am going to do when I go back home to my family's unorganized / choatic kitchen.

I think I am done yapping for now I must go to sleep, till next time! ₍^. .^₎Ⳋ